One Step At A Time

So much has happened since my last post, per usual.

Things got pretty bad for about a week.I was in severe pain, I wasn't eating, and I was very weak. I thought I was going to die, and in fact I wanted to die. I had lost the will to live. There was so much heaviness, and the spirit of death was very real.

Everything has since changed. My body is still very weak from being in bed so long, but I have to fight through the pain so that I can walk again. I'm done with being sick, but it's up to me to get out of bed and fight. The more I get up and move, the easier it gets. I'm now able to get around without the walker, and I am trying to stay out of bed all day.

As I submit to Him, the Lord is delivering me of the bondage I have been under this last year. All I want is to obey the Lord and His word. I give Him all control over my life.

This is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it! Praise God for His ultimate mercy and compassion!

A New Day

A lot has happened since my last post. A few days after I moved in, my feet started to swell, then my legs. After making sure it wasn't a blood clot, I was told it was fluid buildup, put on a water pill, and told to keep my legs elevated to try and drain the fluid.

Around this time I decided to get back on hospice. This time I have a great nurse.

I went downhill pretty quickly. I could barely walk, I was constantly in pain, I was throwing up whatever I ate, and my pulse kept shooting up so high I couldn't breathe. I was ready to give up, and I just wanted to go home to the Lord.

Then, a week ago, something happened to me. A fight rose up in me like I've never felt before, like a fire. It's like I woke up from a coma or something. I prayed to the Lord like never before, and I told Him I wanted to LIVE. I laid hands on my own body and commanded it to line up with God's word.

This cancer is NOT going to take me! I'm too young, and the Lord has work for me to do.

It's been an amazing week! I can already feel the difference in my body. I've been getting out of bed and walking down the hallway without any help! I'm bathing on my own too! I'm taking it day by day, kind of like physical therapy, and I will keep doing a little more each day.

I've got a joy now that I didn't have before. I'm going to walk out of this thing, and you all are going to witness a miracle. I'm going to live and preach and do exactly what the Lord commands. I'm so excited!

Trials

No one knows what you're going through when you have cancer. It's not possible for anyone to understand unless they have walked there and experienced it.

Restless nights, nausea, tiredness, wearing diapers, constantly changing pads, multiple trips to the bathroom, hospice nurses, hospital visits, loneliness. There's so much to deal with each day.

I am in a fight for my life. Every day I have to win the fight. Every day I have to say NO to the darkness that tries to come. I fight by keeping the devil run off. I fight by holding every word and every thought captive. There have been days when I have felt tired of fighting. There have been days when I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again, to be with the Lord at last. But I have to fight through these things. The Lord has a work for me to do, and I've got to win this so I can go on with the work of the Lord. I was reminded just yesterday that the Joy of the Lord is my strength. In John 16, verse 33, Jesus tells His disciples that they will face tribulations in this life, but He instructs them to be of good cheer, for He has already overcome the world. Even when no earthly human being could understand where I am walking, the Lord does. He knows ALL things.

My hospice nurses shake their heads in amazement each time they come to see me. I have none of the symptoms they expected to see: swollen legs, pain, bleeding, etc. I think the Lord chuckles at those moments, because He knows what He's doing.

And so do I ;)

Consultation

Thursday I went to Atlanta for my consultation with a GYN Oncologist. She did a basic exam, and talked to me about the next step, which is a PET scan. I'll be going back Monday for that scan. After that, I'll have a follow-up with the Dr within a week for her to give me the results of the scan, as well as her recommendation on how to proceed with "treatment." As I have already stated, I will not submit to chemotherapy. The Lord will not allow me to, and I don't want it. I have not decided whether or not I would agree to surgery (radial hysterectomy). I am seeking the Lord, and I will only do it if I feel a peace about it. Peace always comes when I make a decision according to the Lord's desire.

The results of the exam: She could clearly see the large mass coming from the cervix. From her assessment, it doesn't look like it has spread outside that immediate area. The PET scan will show if there is anything else in my body. I had originally thought my GYN had removed the entire mass during the D&C surgery, but that was incorrect. She only removed part of it. The oncologist will officially "stage" the cancer once she has evaluated the results of the scan.

The oncologist told me this is an aggressive cancer, which can spread quickly. Well, I serve a mighty God, and He can be pretty firm & aggressive when it comes to healing the sick and casting out demons. I know this from my own experience, and what my eyes have witnessed.

I have no fear of cancer, nor do I fear dying. I KNOW, without a shadow of a doubt, that when I die I will be with Jesus. However, I don't want to leave this world in this way, by sickness. I'd rather die a martyr, or an old woman asleep in her bed. I know that my God heals, and that He withholds nothing good & holy from those that belong to Him.

To everyone who reads this: You are all precious to the Lord, and He wants each of you all for Himself.

I want to put a very important question to each of you, for you to ponder when you are alone:. Do you know Jesus?

I mean really KNOW Him? Is He truly LORD and MASTER of your life? Do you consult Him about every decision you make? Do you talk to Him throughout the day? Do you act like Him, & talk like Him?

Before this experience, I never had a real relationship with the Heavenly Father. Coming so close to death as I did, and as I am now, has opened my eyes. I see things very clearly. There is an urgency in me now, that I've never felt before. There is an urgency to get to people to tell them the Truth about Jesus, that He alone can save them and deliver them from the hell they are putting themselves in. There is a strength in me, that I know is not my own, but that of God! There is a holy fear in me, for people who are lost. There is a strong desire in me now, to be Holy, to be separate from the world. I belong to God, and I can't look like, act like, eat like, or sound like the world.

Please, search out your hearts, seek your salvation with fear & trembling. You are not promised tomorrow. You do not know if your soul will be required of you this day. DO NOT WAIT. You may never get a chance to make right, to deal with the darkness of your past. DO IT NOW!!

The Lord is patiently waiting for you, but there will come a day when He will wait no longer, and He will come back for His people.

I love you all, and I fear God too much to NOT tell you the truth that is burning in my heart.

Lord Bless You all with His mercy and LIFE!

Changes

Amazing how one moment can change your life forever.

Ever since I was diagnosed with cancer, everything has changed. My eyes see the world differently. The desires of my heart have altered. My soul has been stirred in a way I never thought possible.

As I mentioned in my last post, I hate debt. It is a noose around my neck. I want free from it, and I have an opportunity to do so.

Before all this happened, I had my house up for sale. Within 2 weeks I had 2 buyers! One fell through, and the other offered me a contract. All I had to do was sign the contract, but then I got sick and everything was put on hold. The couple patiently waited over the last month as I went through this process.

Now, I am moving forward with the sale of my house. I'm waiting for the updated contract to sign; however, I've already begun selling furniture in anticipation of moving. I'm packing up what I want to keep, and I'm selling the rest.

Here's the plan: A close friend of ours has a place with about an acre of land, out in the country, but still close to where I work. Most of the land is woods. He has offered to let Dad and I build us each a little 1-room cabin on his property. This way, each of us will have our own space, and we'll only be in his house to wash clothes, take a shower, and eat our evening meals with him. He is offering willingly, and I am accepting gratefully.

You see, I don't want to get back in debt, not for a car or a house. Our friend's place is paid for, so there are only the utilities and taxes to be concerned with. Those I will split with him, to help ease the burden on him in exchange for him allowing us to live there.

I'm excited about the changes that are coming. Stuff is no longer important to me, and I can't wait to be free of it, so that I can get out there and minister to people. That's what I was made for, to minister, not to work myself to death and be in bondage for a house and transportation.

So, I ask you, what drives you? What are you working, slaving, and breathing for? What is most important to you in this life, this temporary life?